Friday, 15 October 2010

The One Where I Declare Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps GUILTY!

OK, something different for this one.

3/4 Ledgers went to see Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps on Monday. The 4th Ledger must have been busy.

JMcG and I have waited for this day. A day where we sit opposite spectrum's on the film scale.

I hated it. He loved it. So, we both put a case to the Jury.

Mine today. His over the weekend. Then you can vote. Of course, most of you will be so compelled to vote Guilty after this review, that you're more than welcome.

Is Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps Guilty... or Not Guilty? You don't have to have seen it to vote. I pray you never see it. Here's why...

Your honour, and people of the jury...

I am sad to even be before you. Two major talents in Hollywood have died.

Exhibit A. Black Rain. Proof that Michael Douglas wasn't always shit.

I would like to present Exhibit A to the Jury. This isn't personal. I love Michael Douglas. No one is sadder than me that this may be his last film.

Ah. Those were the days, Michael. Those were the days.

Now I must be careful, fellow members of the jury. Mr Douglas is not well. Unfortunately, it would seem that has clouded his judgement.

There was one bit where Gekko thanks his hair dressers for the return to his slicked roots. It was a high, on an otherwise flat line. Go take Wall Street back, Mr Gekko, I screamed at the screen! Alas, no. Instead Mr Gekko spends the next forty minutes in London. Like Lord Sugar. Only less interesting. All we need now is a boring ten minute interlude in Switzerland.

Oh... They thought of that too.

Exhibit B. Best Cameo Ever. Wasted.

Wall Street 2 (Which, unbelievably, is even less stupid than the title they went for.), is a complete waste of space. A waste of talent, and non-talent.

And even more criminally... it's boring. Plain and simple.

I like Wall Street, your honour. Sort of love it - definitely not on a par with JMcG, who I imagine sleeps with his Blu Ray every night. He has an irrational love for the original, that is affecting his view of this... remake... re-boot... sequel (?)

When I heard they were making a sequel... well, I was OK with it. Not hopping mad... Not distraught... I guess it was a forewarning that I struggled to get passionate at all...

I love the idea of revisiting films, x amount of years later.
I still think to this day, they could justify a Back To The Future 4. They nailed Rambo, and Rocky Balboa - so it can work.

The Defendant, JMcG, has a conflict of interest in his approach. He is conflicted. Confused.

Exhibit C. Easily the most unintentionally funny character ever. Ever. Apart from the gay Chinese Businessman... Also from Wall Street 2: Money Talks.

He'll pretend the stupid old fella, who had me unintentionally in stitches represents the last of Jewish money on the market. He'll deny he made whistling noises after everything he said.

"Oh, no... Oliver Stone wasn't in it - seemingly three times, in three different roles", He'll say.

"No, no. You've got it all wrong. Josh Brolin was meant to look bored.", He'll surmise.

"Of course he couldn't touch more on 9/11," He'll add. "He already ruined that with World Trade Centre."

"But, but, JMcG," I'll reply. "The best scene was Shia, stood in front of Ground Zero. Total silence. Massive scale. A promise of more. That politics would come in to play - something to break from the board (bored) room scenes." 

"I'm pretty sure that wasn't meant to be Ground Zero", He'll reply. Probably before flicking his hair.

My god, I can't remember many stranger films than this. It's almost indefensible. But Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, he will try...

He'll try with his boyish good looks, and manly beard. Try and deflect the criticism levelled at the film. 

Criticism that Stone now packs a whimper, and not a punch.
Criticism that Stone missed the opportunity to make the ultimate 9/11 movie.
Criticism that Shia only gets picked for movies so he can't detract from the star (See Indy 4... Or not.)
Criticism that this sequel is wholly unnecessary, and merely a cash cow.

I could go on, but it really is an easy target - and a target I really did not want to fail. That it fails so spectacularly is my biggest surprise. @KyeLani, and general Ledgerette will RT the hell out of this court case... rightly urging you to vote Guilty, and condemn Stone to the ignominy of another failure.

Something is not right that she was the only one to pay to see this. I slept with my Cine Pass that night. Hugged it like I hug my wife. If I had paid to see this... Well... I don't know what I would have done.

Here though? This is one they should've left behind...

What a load of bull...

Thanks Oliver Stone. Everytime I hear a bird whistle now, I'll want to kill it.

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