Sunday, 12 September 2010

The One With Resident Evil - And Where JMcG Was Right To Avoid The Cinema This Week

I'm not gay or owt but going to the cinema with out JMcG was weird.

This would have been an interesting one to review with him too.

I've seen the first one. Avoided the second and third like some sort of zombie plague.

So what did I make of Afterlife...?

Well, it took my ten minutes to get over the first five minutes.

Umbrellas. Lots of umbrellas. Slow mo rain. 3D title cards. (Looked nice, far better than Piranha 3Ds).

Set in Tokyo (sorry, no idea how they got there). There is a bite. Then a mental siege on Umbrellas HQ. We know it's an Umbrella building as they have a logo... of an umbrella.

Now, for some reason there's 30 Alices. OK, OK. I counted 8. But it seemed like 30. The first thing that strikes me is this is always levelled at video game films as a flaw. There's no danger. like Scott Pilgrim, they'll just "get a life".

So is P.W Anderson (not of Magnolia fame!) being really clever? Playing to type? Or does he just want to have 8 Alices? (Well, she is fit.)

I'm not sure. A bit of all of the above?

The intro is just a cluster of other peoples idea. There's a bit where 2 Alices (The other 6 were busy... cheating), bungee down an elevator shaft. Firing twin uzis. Hitting every time. Every time. They miss one guy. He's obviously the bad guy.

Some of the 3D is fun. Bullets towards camera. Bullets through heads, then towards camera. That sort of thing. It's all a bit like the lobby scene in Matrix. Pillars get ripped to bits with bullets. Alice does some ridiculous, ridiculous wire-fu.

I quite liked it.

Then there's a good twenty five minutes of nothing. This nothing includes lame monologues to camera. Video diarying the fact that Milla can't believe she's getting paid for this. This little bit is a bit Mad Max. A bit Waterworld, (she flies over water at one point). That sort of thing.

Then, there's a bit of nothing indoors. After a stunt that's straight out of Escape From New York.

Then there's millions of zombies. Some get killed by the plane Alice was in. The effects are pretty good. Not terrible.

Then finally, finally the Axe Giant (or whatever he's called) turns up. He has a MASSIVE axe. He swings the MASSIVE axe. Missing every time.

Then he's gone. Did I mention he appeared out of nowhere? Literally nowhere. Well, he did.

All the while there is loud music. Very LOUD. I looked to my right, and saw the ghost of JMcG tapping his foot. Probably thinking he may illegally download the soundtrack. You know, for when he does weights in between killing millions of people on MW2.

I shuddered. Not because there was a ghost, but because I HATE that sort of music. I just kept thinking, "do one P.W Anderson (not of There Will Be Blood fame!)". I wish John Carpenter got asked to do movies like this.

It moves from there to somewhere else (I wouldn't want to spoil anything). There are zombie dogs. Their heads split open. Like The Thing. John Carpenter spins in his grave.

Then it ends. Badly.

I  wont score this. That's an AT and JMcG Tag Team thing.

I give this movie */5

I just kept thinking two things.

1) Make a movie of this, instead...

2) I really, really like Event Horizon. P.W Andersons (not of Boogie Nights fame!), only good film.

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